" The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings. The wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings, in order to attract and please others. When men and women punish each other for truth telling, we reinforce the notion that lies are better. To be loving we willingly hear the other’s truth, and most important, we affirm the value of truth telling. Lies may make people feel better, but they do not help them to know love."
- bell hooks
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is the collection of beliefs and attitudes people hold about themselves, and their worthiness as a person. It's the perception of oneself that influences how a person thinks and feels in various situations and when making important decisions in life. When a person struggles with low self-esteem they might experience a sense of insecurity about themselves and have a hard time trusting oneself to make the right choices. This is an experience that is very common, because self-esteem can fluctuate throughout our lives, in particular during periods of significant life transitions.
Everybody goes through periods where we are unhappy about ourselves in some way, usually when going through something challenging. However, if your go-to habit is thinking of yourself as 'useless', 'worthless', 'not good enough' or 'a failure', and it colours everything that you do, you could have a problem with low self-esteem. Low self-esteem, especially if chronic, is correlated with with various mental health difficulties. You can come across low self-esteem in depression, anxiety disorders or PTSD and it can be an important aspect of one's mental health to address when getting help for these psychological issues.
One of the most prominent Cognitive Behavioural Therapists, Christine Padesky - likens negative beliefs about oneself, such as the ones I mention above, to prejudices: generalized, unfair and ill-informed. Imagine the most prejudiced person you know, and the way they might talk about women, people of color or immigrants. What comes to mind? Something generalizing, unfair and ill-informed? I bet it is. Now imagine that the person on the giving and receiving end of similarly negative, unfair and ill-informed commentary, is YOU. That is how you are speaking to yourself if you are struggling with low self-esteem.
CBT therapists consider information related to negative beliefs about self to be subjected to two biases inherent to the way humans mentally process what happens to us:
a bias of perception: information consistent with an already held belief is processed faster and easier, whereas information inconsistent with prior beliefs is filtered out. So for example, if something does not go as one hoped - a person with negative beliefs about themselves will think 'I knew it, its because I am such a failure', disregarding other explanations for why things did not go as hoped.
a bias of interpretation: information is interpreted through the lens of the belief. So when something goes well - a promotion at work for example, a person with low self esteem - might negatively interpret it as 'I only succeeded in this because I got lucky this time' or make distorted interpretations of 'my boss says I am doing a good job, but I know deep down they think I am a failure'.
In other words, a person struggling with low-self esteem holds prejudiced, judgemental views about themselves, even when they might be having successes in personal and professional lives!
There is no space to win with the negative beliefs associated with this 'inner critic' that is the voice of low self-esteem!
So what impact does this have on our relationships then? Importantly, can our love life survive the judgement of the 'inner critic'?
Self esteem and relationships
Psychologists tend to think that social relationships, especially early on in life, play a key role in shaping individuals' self-esteem. There is also some research evidence pointing to similar conclusions, for instance from the field of attachment theory. Babies and little humans are incredible learning machines, and it makes sense that a lot of emotional and psychological learning takes place in the family home and from subsequent early life events. If we arrive at negative beliefs about ourselves, perhaps it was due to some negative life experiences from our childhood contributing to this (although adult negative life experiences can influence self-esteem also).
Similarly, there is a thought in the opposite direction - that our levels of self-esteem may influence the quality of our social relationships and our relationship satisfaction in adult life. It is not hard to imagine that a person with low self-esteem might become very distressed at the slightest sign of criticism or disapproval from a partner, try very hard to please the other person, behave in very self-conscious ways, or even withdraw from social contact and love-seeking altogether. Alternatively, they might become overly controlling or anxious as they may doubt their partner's affection, leading to conflict and strains on the relationship.
So, not only does our self-esteem affect how we think about ourselves, its also important in how we think and behave with others, especially in intimate relationships.
These are some of the aspects of relationships that might be affected by self-esteem:
Relationship satisfaction: people with higher levels of self-esteem are more likely to feel worthy of love and support, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Conflict resolution: people with higher levels of self-esteem may be better equipped to handle conflicts: with strong communication skills, ability to be assertive about their needs and concernts, and seeking solutions collaboratively.
Resilience to relationship challenges: individuals with higher self-esteem are more resilient and are better able to bounce back from setbacks in relationships (breakups, betrayals)
Intimacy: people with higher self-esteem may feel more comfortable being vulnerable and sharing their thoughts, feelings and experiences with their partner. This deepens the emotional connection between partners.
Insecurity: Individuals with lower self-esteem may experience higher levels of jealousy and insecurity in relationships. They may fear abandonment, engage in safety-seeking behaviours that may put strains on the relationship.
What can be done to improve self esteem?
While self-esteem alone does not determine the success of a romantic relationship, it significantly influences how individuals perceive themselves within the relationship and how they interact with their partners, ultimately shaping the quality and dynamics of the relationship. Not all is bleak, however, even in matters of love, for people who might struggle with low self-esteem.
In fact, there is a reciprocal feedback loop between relationships and self-esteem across the life span which suggests that there is potential that:
1) if you improve your self-esteem you are more likely to also build more satisfactory relationships.
2) if you are lucky enough to have good and secure relationships, your self-esteem may be improved as the result.
Not all is as neat in psychological research as I am simplifying here, but there is definitely hope for all of us, I promise. Negative beliefs about oneself is a learnt process - that means they can also be shifted, by learning alternative ways of thinking and behaving.
Healthy self-esteem is about developing a balanced view of oneself, being able to appreciate one's own strengths, and at the same time having the courage to acknowledge one's weaknesses.
Here are some of the practices that are useful for cultivating healthy self-esteem and satisfactory relationships. They are inspired both by the principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but also the feminist author bell hooks (quoted above) and her book All about love:
Self-awareness: recognising one's difficulties with self-esteem is the first step. The second is to reflect on how this issue shows up in your relationships. Self-awareness is also helpful in order to assess your beliefs, biases and behaviours for helpfulness and usefulness, and to figure out whether your values are aligned with how you live your life at present.
Self-acceptance: this practice is centered around the notion that you accept your inherent worth as a human being, acknowledge yourself without judging or criticising, and without adhering to external or societal notions of worth. It is also about allowing ALL feelings and behaviours - to be experienced by you, the good and the bad, even if some are indeed unhelpful. Without accepting them - it would be difficult to change them.
Self-compassion: this involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. Learning to be compassionate with oneself and reframing negative self-talk can gradually boost self-esteem.
Self-responsibility: this is a practice to take accountability for your actions, choices and recognising that you have agency over your own life. This practice is not about discounting the impact of the things that happened to you that may have had negative impact, but about how your actions can affect what happens next.
Setting boundaries and communication: Establishing healthy boundaries is a very important aspect of tackling low self-esteem in relationships. Its about a willingness to recognise one's own needs and to have the courage to advocate for them, respectfully, while also being mindful of another's needs. Expressing feelings and concerns with a partner can strengthen trust and intimacy, even when grappling with low self-esteem.
Lets return for a moment to the quote I started this post with. bell hooks provides insight into how low self-esteem can indeed become a significant obstacle to love, as it often stems from societal pressures and internalized beliefs that inhibit authentic self-expression and connection with others. When hooks speaks of the "wounded child inside many males and females," she's referring to the inner wounds inflicted during childhood by our early relationships and societal expectations growing up.
In relationships, this can manifest as fear of rejection or abandonment, leading individuals to hide their authentic selves or to tolerate mistreatment in order to maintain the relationship.
It can also lead to the 'protective shield' of the 'inner critic' we mentioned before - it protects us from any potential hurt from others by inflicting the hurt first, so we are always prepared to think the worst about ourselves - as it is is usually easier to digest than rejection from others.
The emphasis in the quote on the value of truth-telling underscores the importance of self-awareness and self-acceptance in overcoming low self-esteem and fostering healthy relationships. To truly love and be loved, individuals must confront their inner wounds, unapologetically expressing their feelings and needs. Only through radical honesty and vulnerability can individuals break free from the shackles of low self-esteem and cultivate relationships grounded in mutual respect, understanding, and love.
“The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth… Love is as love does. Love is an act of will-namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”
- bell hooks
Comentarios