"In order to go on living one must try to escape the death involved in perfectionism."
- Hannah Arendt
I have been thinking a lot about perfectionism recently. I see it in my clients, I see it in my friends, I see it in myself, often. When I was younger, I remember perfectionism holding a positive connotation among my peers. Indeed, healthy perfectionism does exist. After all - striving for excellence, learning, improvement in relationships are very honourable pursuits to engage in.
But I want to talk about the type of perfectionism that can be highly unhelpful at times, the type that catches up with you when life starts to pile ever more demands on you, often with little respite.
What do I mean by unhealthy perfectionism? Unhealthy perfectionism is when you set unrelenting and rigidly high standards on yourself (and possibly others too), which can lead to stress, frustration, action paralysis, procrastination, and a constant sense of dissatisfaction.
Moreover, the fusion of relentless standards to one's self-worth can be damaging for one’s self-esteem. Our sense of self-worth becomes conditional on feeling productive, successful, always perfectly accomplished - on feeling good. But it's challenging to feel satisfied when goals are excessively high or emotionally taxing, or ever changing to be higher, better, more perfect. Hence, we don't feel good about ourselves. Satisfaction may only be fleeting before the bar is raised higher.
This cycle can result in significant emotional and practical consequences, including heightened stress and burnout. Not sustainable!
Perfectionism can often be understood as a defense mechanism against vulnerability. It's a shield we use to protect ourselves from the discomfort of being seen as flawed or imperfect. But holding up this shield takes up a lot of energy from us.
The insight from political philosopher Hannah Arendt in the quote above underscores how the relentless pursuit of perfection can obscure our ability to recognize our achievements and strengths, causing us to overlook what truly matters. Living a meaningful life requires us to acknowledge our imperfections and understand that personal growth is an ongoing process. Arendt's perspective suggests that to truly thrive, we must free ourselves from the damaging influence of perfectionism. She implies that perfectionism can be akin to stagnation or spiritual death, depriving individuals of the happiness and satisfaction that come from embracing imperfection and recognizing our inherent worth despite our flaws.
It's essential to understand that perfectionism is rooted in fear – fear of failure, of judgment, of not being "enough."However, it's also crucial to recognize that perfectionism doesn't exist in a vacuum. Systemic factors such as class, race, sex, and experiences of marginalization in any form, can significantly influence perfectionistic tendencies. For individuals from marginalized communities, the pressure to excel and prove oneself can be even more pronounced. The intersection of societal expectations and personal aspirations can create a breeding ground for perfectionism.
We are often products of our learning, be it from the things we learned from our primary caregivers, influences from our schooling years, our peer group or societies at large. Somewhere along the way we have learned that striving for perfection renders some benefit to us, keeps us functioning and afloat. But the costs to our emotional wellbeing may become too high eventually.
As a therapist, I strive to create an inclusive and affirming environment where clients feel safe to explore the impact of systemic factors on their mental health and well-being. My role is to help clients recognize and challenge these perfectionistic tendencies in the context that each individual finds themselves in.
So what is there to be done about this pesky perfectionism?
One of the most powerful tools in overcoming perfectionism is self-compassion.
Instead of harsh self-criticism, I encourage my clients to cultivate kindness and understanding towards themselves. Self-compassion is about recognizing that things can be tough sometimes, that one is doing the best that one can within the settings and resources one has access to. It is about treating oneself with the same care when faced with mistakes, failures and inadequacies as one would a beloved friend or a family member. By practicing self-compassion, individuals can break free from the cycle of perfectionism and learn to embrace their flaws and imperfections as part of being human.
Another big aspect of overcoming perfectionism is to deliberately do things imperfectly! From my clinical experience - I have noticed that even small steps towards ‘imperfection’ can be experienced by clients as ‘catastrophic’ initially. Clients worry that they might get used to being ‘lazy’, fall into bad habits, lose out on opportunities and social contacts. The whole 'tough love' approach to oneself, with lots and lots and lots of self-criticism, the type of criticism that they never use on people they care about, for some reason.
Many perfectionists see failure as a reflection of their worth, leading to avoidance and procrastination, or excessive checking behaviour. However, failure is an inevitable part of growth and development. It is better to try and fail, and learn from that experience than be paralyzed from action before the process has begun.
Challenging perfectionistic tendencies and their function to your life is important.
Examine where your perfectionistic standards come from and consider whether they are realistic or necessary?
Question whether the pursuit of perfection is truly serving your well-being and happiness or has it become an obstacle?
Ultimately, overcoming perfectionism requires a multifaceted approach that addresses both individual and systemic factors. It involves cultivating self-compassion, reframing failure as a learning opportunity, challenging societal norms that perpetuate unrealistic standards of success and a willingness to embrace imperfection characteristic to the process of evolution.
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life."
- Anne Lamott
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